The heartbreak of a sad old cow

One of life's little pleasures for me is the Pocket Profile section in the AFL magazine "AFL Record". At each game we attend Big Jay buys the magazine and flicks through before the game. Will has also started reading it end to end.

I have a brief look but always look forward to the Pocket Profile, enjoying a moment to read about the selected player.

Well imagine my thrill when this week's player was none other than Jesse White. It's a well documented fact that I have turned into a dirty old perv in my old age, with a specific weakness for young Swans. This year ex-champion basketballer Jesse is my drool worthy object of choice. His tattooed arms often feature...oh, never mind.

Back to the Pocket Profile. Imagine how pathetically pleased I was when I read this:

How would your best friend describe you? Honest, caring and fun.

Oh, how sweet.

Three things you would like to do after your footy career. Travel the world, start a family, catch up with old friends.

Oh my goodness, where have you been all my life? In kindergarten... oops.

Can this man/god get any better? Well, no. It was all downhill at that point.

Best book read: The 50th Law by 50 Cent.

Holy shit. From such highs we hit the lows. 50 Cent! Really?!

But wait, there's more.

Favourite band/recording artist: Lil Wayne.

Bloody hell. Talk about a major bummer.

Luckily there's not a lot of literary criticism going on in my fantasies.

To quote Dianne Weis' character in the wonderful "Bullets Over Broadway": "Don't speak..."

Dear Ryan O'Keefe,

I'm not sure how to approach this.

It's not you, it's me.

You know how much you have meant to me over the years. There is no denying that I have loved you deeply. Your marks, your tackles, your kicks, your tricky little ball recoveries. Each holds a special place in my heart.

But this year things have changed. You're a little slower, a little less agressive, a little less high flying. Sure your bum still looks great in those tight shorts. Maybe it's because you're married now; we all know married life takes it out of you. Maybe it's because you're no spring chicken any more; 28 is veteran territory in the AFL.

Let's be honest here. There's someone else. I've had my eye on Jesse White since the beginning of the season and today I just knew. He's the one. Just 21, fresh, fast and, oh, those high flying marks really set my heart a-flutter.

I hope we can be mature about this. Let's remain friends; say "hello" should we bump into each on the street. I'd like that.

Good luck with your future relationships. I'll always cherish our special memories.

Goodbye. Kathy

P.S. Awesome game today.

I will continue to maintain that he must have deserved it. Possibly he had suggested that Ryan O'Keefe is somewhat challenged in the downstairs area. Maybe there was a conflict of opinion about Therese Rein's (aka Mrs Rudd) wardrobe during the recent Prime Ministerial overseas jaunt. Either way there must have been a good reason for Barry Hall to loose his absolute friggin' mind and belt West Coast's Brent Staker. Otherwise the man who has god-like status in this household may need to take a step down on the hierarchy of immaculate beings we worship. Only a small step mind you... after all, it was a West Coast Eagles player...

In other Swans' related news we have won three out of four of our first games this season - all wins with big margins and the loss only by three points. Of course we now go into three big games (namely against Geelong and Western Bulldogs - both of whom are on fire baby) without Big Bad Bazza. May the force be with us.

Did I mention I picked 7 out of 8 in this week's AFL tipping? Who knew?