The old me, the sane me, the me that isn't helplessly, self-indulgently obssessed with the mirage which is our second child-to-be, has been wondering about the new, yet to be released Chili Peppers' album. With "By The Way" having been released all the way back in 2002 it has been a long time between drinks. Sure, I have a solid back catalogue of music to keep me going but I yearn for something fresh. "Californication" and "By The Way" have taken my boys down a slightly different road (though it could be said that each of their albums is individual in its own right, there is some reinvention each time they write and record) and I like to ponder where we may be this time around.

But while there is plenty of joyous excitement there is also some trepidation. I fear that politics will emerge in their songs and cloud my love. These days it seems impossible for any celebrity to go about their business without proclaiming their political stance. This seems to suit most people but being off the bandwagon, so to speak, I find much of the "hip" political rhetoric rubs me up the wrong way. Generally the Chili Peppers don't venture too far into political territory (they certainly aren't self righteous little shits like Green Day), though there have been exceptions ("The Power of Equality" and "The Righteous and The Wicked" spring to mind) but I find it impossible to believe they will stay out of the current afray.

It is funny how we think we "know" our beloved celebrities. We love them because of a certain movie, a certain song, a certain book and thus we "own" them. Especially with writers, songwriters... because they are allowing us a glimpse of their inner selves through their words and lyrics we feel a sense of ownership, of connection. Having been on a John Cusack e-mail list for many years I have often giggled at how some members write passionately about how a certain actress he had reportedly been dating was "wrong" for him. How can we possibly know that? How can we possibly know someone because we've seen their film or heard their song. Yet that is human nature, it appears.

I don't "know" the Chili Peppers (though I have met - ever so briefly - two of the current four and of course the beautiful Dave Navarro). I know them only through their songs, the occasional interview and books (including Anthony's amazing autobiography). Yet I love them - they enthral me, they lift me and they fail me like any loved ones. I mourn Anthony's many broken romances and I celebrate the birth of Chad's children. Some time ago I read Flea's comments about the respect and love he had for Mike Tyson. I was aghast! How could Flea, that gentle, beautiful soul, respect an animal like Mike "The Rapist" Tyson? I couldn't reconcile my feelings with this betrayal. Yet in reality what do I know about the real Michael Balzary aka Flea? Sweet f/a, really. Well, I know he's short, has lots of funky tattoos, a panchant for weird trousers and he is a genius with a bass and a trumpet. Apart from that, sweet f/a!

So, over the summer as my radio station of choice broadcasts endless cricket commentary I will stock the car with my Chili Peppers' CDs and revisit my old friends. I'll sing along to "Sir Psycho Sexy" and "Aeroplane" and "Deep Kick" (though it's bloody hard to sing along to really!) and "Knock Me Down" and "Fight Like A Brave" and "Around The World" and every wonderous song on "By The Way" (over and over) and I'll revisit the emotional places these songs take me and I will forget my fear and dream of where I may go on my next adventure - hand in hand with Anthony, Flea, John and Chad.

Dark and light, shades of gray, that is life...

My dark thoughts can live side by side with today's happiness... A documentary about the wonderful Leonard Cohen has been shown at the Toronto Film Festival and will undoubtedly make it here sooner or (but probably) later. In it's own right that is wonderful news but the cherry on the icing on this cake is that this doco features footage from that magical night of nights "Came So Far for Beauty" which I was lucky enough to attend at the Opera House in January of this year. Best of all the amazing Antony's version of "If It Be Your Way" (sadly I would have preferred his beautiful version of "The Guests" but there you go) is featured.

For those interested here is a link to the movie's website http://www.leonardcohenimyourman.com/

Something beautiful to look forward to...

I've been thinking about parenthood this morning.

Last night on the news they showed a Sydney mother who had flown to Bali to see her poor, stupid son - just 18 and standing trial, with the strong possiblity of a death sentence, for heroin smuggling. While it is hard to feel anything above contempt for these ridiculously stupid, naive young people, it is easy to feel sympathy for their families. As he sat in the court, looking like a school kid dressed in his dad's suit, his mother whispered "Stay strong". The pain of parental love is almost unbearable.

I awoke to the morning news and pictures of a young boy being rescued from one of the many collapsed schools in Pakistan. He has been there for a number of days and was found by a French rescue team. The sight of his father hugging and kissing him as he emerged from the concrete demolition site of the school building made me cry. The pain of parental love is almost unbearable.

Then as I drove to work I listened to an interview with a Sydney man whose 14 year old daughter was killed in the first Bali terrorist attack three years ago. He spoke about how he and his wife awoke this morning and did what they do every morning - cry. He spoke about what great mates they were... surfing together, how he'd coached her basketball and netball teams, how they did everything together. His voice was strong but he battled to control evey word, the emotion was just underneath the surface. The pain of parental love is almost unbearable.

We all must die. That is a simple fact. But there must be little in this life that is worse than losing a child. When an adult dies there is some comfort in their life, in their achievements, in the mark they have made on the lives of others. One can be philsophical about their life and death and thus come to terms with their passing. When a parent looses a child... to illness, to a sudden accident, to murder... there is little to be philosophical about. How do you find meaning in that senseless loss? I simply can not fathom it.

Today, for some reason I can not comprehend, I am thinking about all those parents who have lost their children and I grieve for their loss.

No, Milly Moo... I haven't retired my blog. The last week just disappeared, don't know what happened. I think the combination of the long weekend and the school holidays just wiped me out. It's been a fun week and a bit though...

The Monday public holiday was lovely with the first official BBQ of the season. We had a houseful of friends over including the two gorgeous baby girls, Emma and Amelia. It is so cute watching two babies "talking" to each other in the secret baby language. Will was bemused by these two living dolls and apart from very gentle kisses on the cheek he kept his distance, amusing himself with his Gameboy and on the trampoline. My friend J brought me a size 000 dress for a baby girl, which she is sure we are going to have. She said to put it on my bedside table and it will bring us luck. I am suspicious, but we'll see...

On Wednesday Will and I enjoyed the old ACC Playgroup from which we have been absent for the majority of this year (now that Will is at big school). It was so much fun to see some friends who I don't see often enough and all the beautiful children who are growing up much too fast. My other friend J told me she had a very vivid dream that we were allocated a baby girl. That's two "omens". Spooky! Hope there's news soon.

On the subject of playgroup I want to apologise to all my dear adoption friends (well, ALL my friends really) who have put up with my bad moods and cranky words during the last few months. Whether at playgroup or at our mothers' dinners or just on the phone I am always Miss Crankypants and in my saner moments (which are few and far between) I do feel like a real doofus for heaping all my negativity on my wonderful friends who, to their eternal credit, always cheer me up and pass on their good vibes. If you're reading this... "thank you".

Friday was mum's birthday and we had been looking forward to a lovely night out at the newly two hatted Restaurant Balzac. What started as a very enjoyable evening very quickly, and surprisingly, turned to shit. Not sure what happened... it was like one of those horrific accidents which you just don't see coming. Let's put it this way, the food was wonderful, the service great... but it was the worst 400-odd dollars I've ever spent. I cried all the way home and believe me Friday was not the day I thought I'd be doing any crying. Enough said.

Will is a busy little social butterfly and Saturday he attended the first birthday party for the weekend - Lili's 7th birthday. It was great... everything a kids' party should be. He had an absolute ball and I got to catch up with some mums I hadn't seen for some time.

Sunday... another day, another party! This time it was Ella's 6th party and it was HUGE... starting off at a playcentre and finishing with a disco next door. It's surprising how well 6 year olds can boogie. There were a few kids with some serious moves. Will had a ball dancing with his "girlfriend" Emily but it all ended in tears (young love!). However, hearts have been mended and he's off to her house after school for a "date". I really need to have that birds and bees talk with him sooner rather than later... or is that a "dad job"?

To top off a great day Will's friend Louis was dropped over in the afternoon and the two amigos had a blast... playing, bathing and eating dinner, followed by some more playing until Louis had to go home. You can never have enough fun when you're six!

This morning it's back to school for Will and back to a normal week for me. I have booked in some fun weekends over the next two weeks to keep us busy and keep me from going mad. We're off down to Pyree on the South Coast this weekend to use a Bed and Breakfast weekend we bought at a fundraising auction earlier this year. It's in a historic (restored) cottage on a dairy farm and they have calves and chickens at the moment which will be great for Will. We're just looking forward to a change of scenery, some fresh air and some good food.

Next week we're off to Melbourne for four and a half days. Jason's brother and his wife had a baby a couple of months ago and we want to visit and coo over our new nephew. We also want to catch up with some cyberfriends down there who also have children from Guatemala.

So some fun times ahead. Stay tuned for some good news... it can't be long now!