I'm drained. I can't really remember feeling this drained and defeated before (though of course there must have been other times). I sound like a completely whinging, whining, pathetic cow, but I must admit to being overwhelmed with parenting Will right now. He is challenging us every minute of the day. There is only peace when he is at school or asleep. Every normal, day to day activity is becoming a surreal, migrane-inducing nightmare. When the children fall asleep at night I collapse in a heap, barely able to watch some tv or read to relax, I am literally twitching with the stress.

It's so difficult to describe the problem. It is petty, it is unrelenting and it is just plain horrible. Every request is ignored or challenged. He can not have a shower or eat a meal or get in or out of the car without some small act of defiance. He is constantly touching and poking Marianna in ways which annoy her or me or us both.

He is obviously distressed and very unsettled within himself. His behaviour is not making him happy. He cries and he lashes out at us. It is impossible to get him in a co-operative mood, even by indulging him with favourite treats and/or activities. Tonight the simple act of showering and asking him to wash his hair (which hadn't been washed for a couple of days and was starting to be a bit smelly) reduced him to a sobbing, screaming mess.

My nerves are jaggered and I dread the mornings and the evenings. How did it become like this? I know it is a stage we must go through and it is probably classic sibling jealousy, or a variation of it. But I'm sure it wasn't this bad before. It has intensified significantly since Will has returned to school two weeks ago.

I know this will pass and our old Will will return. But right now I am so sad and worn out. Last year when we were waiting for "the call" I felt I was slipping into a form of depression but compared to the way I feel know that was a walk in the park. I don't ever think I've experienced anything so emotionally draining.

Marianna is doing well. She is happy and curious and busy exploring her world. But my general testiness is making me less tolerant of her smallest demands. If she cries I want to find whatever will make her stop as quickly as possible and if I can't I am on the verge of tears. It's like a few layers of skin have been removed and my nerve endings are that much closer to the surface.

Well, boo, bloody, hoo me! I read this shit back and the logical part of me thinks "snap out of it, you silly cow". And I know that I will, despite it all the naturally optimistic part of me is trying to fight back and regain control. I need to find a way of going with the flow a bit more, of not taking Will's behaviour quite so personally. I need to help him deal with this but I don't need to take the "blame" or allow it to become just about me.

My mantra is: Parenting is the worst and the best.

I'll ride out the worst and keep hoping for the best.