I have some alarming news to report.

Aliens (or possibly the CIA) have kidnapped the Sydney Swans and replaced them with bumbling look-alikes who have obviously never played the noble game of AFL; these imposters don't seem to be able to pass or even pick up the ball, they can't run or tackle and find it impossible to kick a goal.

Obviously as a Swans' supporter I am deeply concerned by this development and can only hope that the authorities are able to find the Swans and return them to us before next week's game against Hawthorn.

If you've seen Barry Hall, Ryan O'Keefe or even Spida Everitt wondering around dazed and confused in your suburb could you please contact the authorities as soon as possible.