I'd like to see the contract that the acts appearing on the Eurovision Song Contest have to sign. As I flicked through the channels last night while watching the Big Brother Eviction show I was truly amazed at the consistancy amongst the contestants. First of all each and every song is cheesy shit at its best (worst?). Really, unbelievably corny crappy songs without any discernable rhythm or tune. Then there are the voices of the singers. Each more mediocre than the last. I kept thinking that not one of these vocalists would make it past the first round of Australian Idol (and imagining what non-sensical gibberish Mark Holden would use in his comments). Finally the staging and costumes are simply gold. Each of the female singers looked either like a reject bridesmaid from an 80s wedding or a poor waif who had accidentally wondered into Madonna's wardrobe during a blackout and been assaulted by Mad's plastic surgeon while getting dressed. Oh, the horror.

My personal favourite was the Russian singer who not only had to battle through his shithouse song but do so while one of Russia's allegedly best ice skaters (a man who looked remarkably like a carricature of Christopher Dean stuck in a horrible 80s time warp) skated around him. Unbeleivably this act won. Not that anyone else was any better.

OK, we all know those Europeans are whacky but is someone taking the piss?