This email arrived in my In Box this morning. Just your run-of-the-mill scam email. I just found Category 11 interesting. All the other categories seem to include things which logically go together, but number 11? Any thoughts?
Sir/Madam,
The Government of Ghana under the auspices of ECOWAS, in West Africa , has published a bill recently inviting all reputable foreign contractors/manufacturers of high and good quality product which few of the needed items are mentioned below.
Please get back to me if you can handle any of the below mentioned items in a large quantity and if your product that your company are manufacturing did not fall in the scope of the few mentioned items below,please kindly send us your website and complete company details so that we can go through your website to check if you have any of the 72 needed items withing the range of your product in your website.
1. Hospital Wheelchairs,Bed sheets and Pilow cases
2. Lawn Mowers/Knapsack Sprayers
3. Pharmaceutical products
4.Aniaml Feeds/ingredients
5. T-shirts/Caps
6. Rugs and Carpets.
7. Medical and Laboratory Equipments.
8. Analytical scales
9. Surgical instruments:Syringes,Needles,Scissors etc.
10.Fishing Equipments/Tackles.
11. Condoms and breakable plates.
12. Treated mosquito net.
13. Water Purification Equipments.
14. Agrochemicals Products.
and many more other products not listed please send us your website.
Note that Tender is open to all eligible foreign contractors from eligible source countries as defined in the guidelines of the procurement Board of the Republic of Ghana.If you can handle the supply of any of the above items, get back to me for more detail, i am a commision and accredited agent.
Thanks,
Mr.Koffi Mensah
No:23 Airport Road,Cantonment
mensahkoffiagencygh.ltd.mailbox
Tel:+233-5414-37668
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Hallway Sex
Feeling silly so found this highly amusing (Number 4 is my personal favourite).
Five types of sex:
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Giggle...
Five types of sex:
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
Giggle...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Unmasked
Last night, Marianna was laying in our bed and we were both dozing off after a fun but tiring weekend. Suddenly she said to me "mum, you are like a pretend human". I was so stunned I had to ask her to repeat what she'd said. Then I just stared at her in amazement. She couldn't explain herself when I asked what she meant.
How does she know I'm just pretending to be a human? The scientists on my planet assured me this human disguise was 100% natural and would never be detected. Fools.
It's sort of funny but somehow too close to the bone.
How does she know I'm just pretending to be a human? The scientists on my planet assured me this human disguise was 100% natural and would never be detected. Fools.
It's sort of funny but somehow too close to the bone.
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
Chip off the old block
We spent the weekend having a wonderful time at Camp Connection (a weekend away for adoptive families).
We had a funny moment on Saturday evening when the kids were playing Celebrity Heads. Will was one of the contestants and his celebrity to be guessed was "BATMAN". He asked a few relevant questions, like "Am I am man?" and "Am I on television?". Then, sensing he was getting an idea about who he was, he asked "Am I Dr Phil?".
Aaahhhh, makes a mother proud.
We had a funny moment on Saturday evening when the kids were playing Celebrity Heads. Will was one of the contestants and his celebrity to be guessed was "BATMAN". He asked a few relevant questions, like "Am I am man?" and "Am I on television?". Then, sensing he was getting an idea about who he was, he asked "Am I Dr Phil?".
Aaahhhh, makes a mother proud.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
It just keeps getting better
Long time readers know of my hate/hate relationship with the ponytailed wonder aka Neil Perry. He has always rubbed me up the wrong way for intangible reasons. However, in recent years more tangible reasons have surfaced and I take great joy in presenting his failings at each possible opportunity.
Imagine my glee when I read this in the back of The Sunday Telegraph this afternoon:
Twitter of the Week
Matchbox Twenty frontman Rob Thomas, who's in town to perform some solo shows, was venting some frustrations on Friday night, tweeting: "My wife and a friend just left a place in Sydney called The Rockpool Bar and Grill [Perry's overpriced, overrated establishment]. WORST SERVICE EVER!!!!! Pouring rain, they were rude and refused to call her a cab. If you live in Sydney, think twice before going."
Nothing we didn't already know Mr Thomas. Yet another piece of evidence in the Neil Perry is a twat file.
[Possibly Rob Thomas' wife doesn't know how to complain properly either Mr Perry. There seems to be a growing group of people who don't seem to get what it is you're trying to do.]
Imagine my glee when I read this in the back of The Sunday Telegraph this afternoon:
Twitter of the Week
Matchbox Twenty frontman Rob Thomas, who's in town to perform some solo shows, was venting some frustrations on Friday night, tweeting: "My wife and a friend just left a place in Sydney called The Rockpool Bar and Grill [Perry's overpriced, overrated establishment]. WORST SERVICE EVER!!!!! Pouring rain, they were rude and refused to call her a cab. If you live in Sydney, think twice before going."
Nothing we didn't already know Mr Thomas. Yet another piece of evidence in the Neil Perry is a twat file.
[Possibly Rob Thomas' wife doesn't know how to complain properly either Mr Perry. There seems to be a growing group of people who don't seem to get what it is you're trying to do.]
Monday, February 08, 2010
Highlight Reel
We watched Couples Retreat last night. Wish we hadn't.
Nothing much to say about it because it was so horribly dull. The occasional smirk was the best we could manage, and even that felt odd because the whole thing was so unfunny, un-anything really.
For me that's disappointing because I'm a big fan of Jon Favreau/Vince Vaughn, especially as a team. Swingers and Made are two of my all time favourite movies. And if you haven't seen Vince in Clay Pigeons you must do so, right now.
Anyway, Couples Retreat was a very non-memorable movie but it did leave me with a new term which I love: highlight reel. Have you heard it before? Do you know what it refers to?
It's the fantasy movie you play in your head while you're either doing the deed or indulging in a little self love (Ed's Note: put: "euphemisms masturbation" into Google and enter a whole new world of funny). Highlight reel really tickles my fancy, so to speak, because I certainly have some favourites (I'm nothing if not a creature of habit) on regular rotation.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Nothing much to say about it because it was so horribly dull. The occasional smirk was the best we could manage, and even that felt odd because the whole thing was so unfunny, un-anything really.
For me that's disappointing because I'm a big fan of Jon Favreau/Vince Vaughn, especially as a team. Swingers and Made are two of my all time favourite movies. And if you haven't seen Vince in Clay Pigeons you must do so, right now.
Anyway, Couples Retreat was a very non-memorable movie but it did leave me with a new term which I love: highlight reel. Have you heard it before? Do you know what it refers to?
It's the fantasy movie you play in your head while you're either doing the deed or indulging in a little self love (Ed's Note: put: "euphemisms masturbation" into Google and enter a whole new world of funny). Highlight reel really tickles my fancy, so to speak, because I certainly have some favourites (I'm nothing if not a creature of habit) on regular rotation.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Try to tell that to the young people of today and they won't believe you...
Do you remember the Four Yorkshiremen skit? God, I love that skit. Classic and brilliant Monty Python.
A couple of week's ago on Richard Glover's Thank God It's Friday, a comedy current affairs hour which can be found on Sydney 702 Local Radio on Friday afternoons, Richard asked some of his guests to do a modern re-write of the skit and Subby Valentine came up with an absolute ripper.
If you click HERE and then fast forward to 13:45 minutes into the podcast you will go directly to the bit which made laugh so much I almost burst a gasket. Otherwise listen to the whole program, I find them a weekly treat and download each week's show via iTunes.
A couple of week's ago on Richard Glover's Thank God It's Friday, a comedy current affairs hour which can be found on Sydney 702 Local Radio on Friday afternoons, Richard asked some of his guests to do a modern re-write of the skit and Subby Valentine came up with an absolute ripper.
If you click HERE and then fast forward to 13:45 minutes into the podcast you will go directly to the bit which made laugh so much I almost burst a gasket. Otherwise listen to the whole program, I find them a weekly treat and download each week's show via iTunes.
Friday, October 16, 2009
While we're talking about when good chefs go bad let's talk about that arsehole Neil Perry.
I almost choked on my tea yesterday when I was forwarded this little nugget of comedy gold.
I particularly like how Perry says:
"I'm 52 and I'm over customers that don't understand what we do".
This is particularly hilarious because when my sister sent Perry an email to complain about the disgraceful evening she had there a few years ago his reply included a comment about how they "didn't understand what he was trying to do". I don't know Neil, I think we're all clear on what you're trying to do: be a pretentious wanker. No, really, we're all on the same page there.
Also:
"She didn't know how to complain and that turned me into a person who didn't know how to respond."
Don't you love it! Obviously the woman hadn't read The Official Guide to Complaining by HRH Neil Perry. How dare she assume she can just go about complaining about poor food and bad service when she doesn't know how to do it properly. The gall!
One thing is clear from this article and from my sister's experience, Neil Perry is a pompous ass who doesn't understand that the customers who pay his inflated menu prices are always right, even when he might not necessarily agree with them. How about a little humility you egotistical prick?
I almost choked on my tea yesterday when I was forwarded this little nugget of comedy gold.
I particularly like how Perry says:
"I'm 52 and I'm over customers that don't understand what we do".
This is particularly hilarious because when my sister sent Perry an email to complain about the disgraceful evening she had there a few years ago his reply included a comment about how they "didn't understand what he was trying to do". I don't know Neil, I think we're all clear on what you're trying to do: be a pretentious wanker. No, really, we're all on the same page there.
Also:
"She didn't know how to complain and that turned me into a person who didn't know how to respond."
Don't you love it! Obviously the woman hadn't read The Official Guide to Complaining by HRH Neil Perry. How dare she assume she can just go about complaining about poor food and bad service when she doesn't know how to do it properly. The gall!
One thing is clear from this article and from my sister's experience, Neil Perry is a pompous ass who doesn't understand that the customers who pay his inflated menu prices are always right, even when he might not necessarily agree with them. How about a little humility you egotistical prick?
Thursday, October 15, 2009
I think we may have created a monster.
We took the kids to see Wicked a couple of weeks ago. It was fantastic. I'm not a huge fan of that sort of music (Rocky Horror is more my style) but the story and the costumes and set were amazing.
Anyway, we bought the kids the soundtrack and I downloaded it onto their iPods. They have both been listening to it constantly.
Marianna is right into it. She walks around singing "No-one loves THE WICKED!!!!" at the top of her lungs. It cracks me up!
We took the kids to see Wicked a couple of weeks ago. It was fantastic. I'm not a huge fan of that sort of music (Rocky Horror is more my style) but the story and the costumes and set were amazing.
Anyway, we bought the kids the soundtrack and I downloaded it onto their iPods. They have both been listening to it constantly.
Marianna is right into it. She walks around singing "No-one loves THE WICKED!!!!" at the top of her lungs. It cracks me up!
Conversation with Marianna:
Me: "Marianna do you want lasagne for dinner?"
M: "NO!"
Me: "I can make you some eggs if you like."
M: "I want eggs!"
Me: "If you'd like me to cook you some eggs can you please say: "Mum, I'd like some eggs please." "
M: "Mum, I'd like eggs."
Me: "You need to say please. That's the polite thing to do."
M: "I can't."
Me: "You can't do what?"
M: "I can't say it." (Eyes welling up with tears.)
Me: "You can't say "please"?
M: Nods.
Me: "Why not?"
M: (Bursting into tears.) "Because it hurts my tongue."
Interesting. I think she must have the same condition as The Fonz. You know how he couldn't ever say "Sorry".
Me: "Marianna do you want lasagne for dinner?"
M: "NO!"
Me: "I can make you some eggs if you like."
M: "I want eggs!"
Me: "If you'd like me to cook you some eggs can you please say: "Mum, I'd like some eggs please." "
M: "Mum, I'd like eggs."
Me: "You need to say please. That's the polite thing to do."
M: "I can't."
Me: "You can't do what?"
M: "I can't say it." (Eyes welling up with tears.)
Me: "You can't say "please"?
M: Nods.
Me: "Why not?"
M: (Bursting into tears.) "Because it hurts my tongue."
Interesting. I think she must have the same condition as The Fonz. You know how he couldn't ever say "Sorry".
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
This time of the year we start getting these Christmas Hamper catalgoues at the office. You know the type, baskets full of cheap grog and crappy crackers packaged with some cellophane and a ribbon and sold to corporates for premium prices. Nothing says "thank you for your custom" more than a basket full of Jacob's Creek and Nobby's Nuts (nibble Nobby's Nuts before Nobby nibbles yours - cracks me up every time!).
Anyhow, a catalogue arrived today and it made me think "this global recession thingy is really hitting some people hard". Amongst the $75, $150 and $300 baskets were a few new additions. The enticilingly titled Blitzen's Bon Bon (what mental image does that invoke?) is a mesh bon bon shaped gift bag containing, wait for it, 80g of chocolates - at the budget conscious price of $7.50. Then, if your business is really counting the pennies, there is the small gold box containing 100g of shortbread for $3.50.
Personally, I'm thinking if your business can only afford a $3.50 gift for their customers and/or staff, don't bother. I know they say it's the thought that counts but that's blatantly not true. I can't imagine anyone opening their box filled bountifully with 100g of third rate shortbread and thinking "woo hoo, they love me, they really love me" nor "this is a shithouse gift but it's the thought that counts". More likely they would be thinking "tightarse bastards!".
Seriously though, if a business is that tight and/or broke, a much better way to spend limited funds would be to donate some money to charity and then send out Christmas cards or emails with a small mention of the fact. I would certainly appreciate that more than receiving Blitzen's Bon Bon from a grateful supplier.
Anyhow, a catalogue arrived today and it made me think "this global recession thingy is really hitting some people hard". Amongst the $75, $150 and $300 baskets were a few new additions. The enticilingly titled Blitzen's Bon Bon (what mental image does that invoke?) is a mesh bon bon shaped gift bag containing, wait for it, 80g of chocolates - at the budget conscious price of $7.50. Then, if your business is really counting the pennies, there is the small gold box containing 100g of shortbread for $3.50.
Personally, I'm thinking if your business can only afford a $3.50 gift for their customers and/or staff, don't bother. I know they say it's the thought that counts but that's blatantly not true. I can't imagine anyone opening their box filled bountifully with 100g of third rate shortbread and thinking "woo hoo, they love me, they really love me" nor "this is a shithouse gift but it's the thought that counts". More likely they would be thinking "tightarse bastards!".
Seriously though, if a business is that tight and/or broke, a much better way to spend limited funds would be to donate some money to charity and then send out Christmas cards or emails with a small mention of the fact. I would certainly appreciate that more than receiving Blitzen's Bon Bon from a grateful supplier.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
This morning while getting dressed Marianna said "mummy, I'm never getting married".
"Why not?" I asked.
"Becuase I don't want to kiss boys" she said.
1) She has a point.
2) I am having a contract drawn up to reflect these words which I can whip out to show her when she is 16 (and wants nothing more but to kiss boys) and point out to her that she signed and initialed here, here and here.
3) This may have been brought on by her catching Big Jay and I having a brief smooch this morning. I know! Enough to gross anyone out.
"Why not?" I asked.
"Becuase I don't want to kiss boys" she said.
1) She has a point.
2) I am having a contract drawn up to reflect these words which I can whip out to show her when she is 16 (and wants nothing more but to kiss boys) and point out to her that she signed and initialed here, here and here.
3) This may have been brought on by her catching Big Jay and I having a brief smooch this morning. I know! Enough to gross anyone out.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Feeling down? Not having such a great day?
Go HERE now!
Seriously, is there anything better in life than laughing at bad translation?
If this stuff doesn't cheer you up, I suggest heavy duty drugs.
Go HERE now!
Seriously, is there anything better in life than laughing at bad translation?
If this stuff doesn't cheer you up, I suggest heavy duty drugs.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
FUNNY!
Go here NOW.*
Please!
*[Is there anything funnier and more in the spirit of baby Jesus than making fun of organised religion? I guess not.]
Go here NOW.*
Please!
*[Is there anything funnier and more in the spirit of baby Jesus than making fun of organised religion? I guess not.]
Friday, December 19, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Will and Lehmo (on Sydney's Triple M FM on drive time afternoons) were talking about noisy foods at cinemas. They were asking people for suggestions for quiet food to substitute for all that rustly, crunchy popcorn, chips, etc. I almost wet myself when someone rang up with the suggestion of a glucose drip. It doesn't get quieter than that. I laughed so hard I had the children a little worried. I guess you had to be there.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Possibly my theme song?
* God only knows what goes on with the line spacing on Blogger.
Sing it to the tune of I Will Survive.
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now-go! , Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus] I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus] I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
* God only knows what goes on with the line spacing on Blogger.
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